Thoughts on Baby Boys

A telling moment in my life:

I was at the store the other day, and walked by the cute little Halloween costumes for babies. I got kind of sad and thought, "Baby won't be here to dress up in a cute Halloween costume." Then it hit me: "Oh YEAH! He'll be here next year to dress up in a cute Halloween costume! How fun!"

It was weird and made my insides wonder about the emotion of it all.

I have had three other babies who have all been able to stay with me to wear Halloween costumes; but somewhere along the line, because my last baby didn't get to stay long, my head took this information and filed it under "Babies don't get to come home from the hospital with you."

You have them, and hold them for a little while, but then you go home empty-armed. And then you go through all of the stuff that happens after you have a baby, but no baby is there to help you with it. And for a long time you walk past cute little Halloween costumes and get sad and think, "Baby isn't here to dress up in a cute Halloween costume."

And sometimes even still, though the pain has dulled significantly, and you have a healthy one in your belly, you walk past cute Halloween costumes and remember.

And you are grateful that you will always remember and love your son, even though he isn't here right now, and even though his brother, who you also love, is coming and will stay.

And you know you will see that son again, and that he is excited for his little brother to join our family.

And he will probably look down from Heaven next year at Halloween, and laugh at the costume his mother is putting on his little brother.

And he and his mother will both know that this really has nothing to do with Halloween costumes.